What the Hell ::: Falling down the Rabbit Whole

I  have these waves of things going wrong. Im surfing one of these waves right now I wasted my gas doing crazy things that I needed to do that popped up last week. Im usually so busy I get gas and it has to last for as long as posible before I can go get it again. Well I didnt my first ever extracirricular activity at school and its misserable. I hate these peoples attitudes. I have such an aversion the the supervisor, who talks to the group as if we are 14. Most of these people are 18 to 23 but Im nearly 30. I just dont respond to being yelled at and threatened.

28 and in college is the story of my life. Always ahead in one way, behind in another. I rush to re-work a paper due today but skipping a class. That didnt help I had 15 minutes to get to the class I needed to do the paper for and rush to dress and realize I have to pack crap for the stupid extraciricular activity. What the hell!

I rush out to the car feeling like Im coming down with a cold or allergies maybe both! Car starts, car turns off. What? I wasnt paying attention I was looking through my bookbag to see If I had my wallet. Try again I think. CAr starts! Car turns off.

Out of gas. Was exhausted everynight and forgot to get gas, kept rushing home to finish homework before I got impossibly drowsy.  Gas in the gararge! MAybe the other car will work? I go through the house grab keys get to the garage, try the car and its dead. I try to jump it, the jumper was dead. I try the other one, It works! Now try the car, its still dead, not enough power. I keep trying in vain. I stop I look for gas cans, Damn! theres three! Are they all gas? Are some for lawn mowers gas? Is that the same thing?

I choose one I go through the house, I stole a spout from anothe gas can and tried to attach it and fill the tank. Gas spills all over me. I try to adjust it. I repour, I get doused in gasoline. I remove the spout and just pour and get most of it in. The car turns on, the car stays on. I leave it there go back to the house and set down the can and grab my bag. I yell at my dog one final time to stop trying to break out of the kennel, as Ive noticed these few minutes going through the house back and forth I notice he has a guilty look and slobber all over the kennel door.

I go to the gas station, pump 20 bucks, It barely moves above "E". I rush to school, sing my current favourite song. I arrive at the parking garage, Ah my favorite spot. I Realize I have missed an hour of class. I just say its useless I do my make up in the car while in the parking garage. I look like death. That face treatment made my face red and ichy. great. Forgot my mineral foundation. great. I smell like gas.

I walk to class. I linger outside the door. I realize I need to go in, its dumb to stand there and come in as its ending to hand in the paper. I reheaerse differnt versions of I had car trouble, I ran out of gas sorry. I walk in. the girl next to me says we can turn in our papers 5 days from now. I want to die.

I sit through this baby class for 23 minutes and it feels like an hour. What will I tell the teacher? Class is over he says the paper is now due in 5 days because the printers at the library were broken. I go up to him hand mine in tell him sorry about coming late, I ran out of gas. He says thats not good. Plan ahead. I want to die a second death. I am his anti thesis.  HE sitts theres with a manilla folder and lots of stacks all paperclipped together, a legal pad with the things he wants to cover, two pens, two extra paper clips and two cough drops, just in case.

He probably wont count me as present and the paper wasnt even due. I forgot to ask him if there were more handouts that I may have missed and once again, sing it ADELE, "Didnt I give it all?"

What the hell.

I go get a peach tea to type this, they are out of honey. Thats right. I used it when I came here last night. sigh. I go up to floor three try to make two appointments with advisors. hte systems down. naturally. now its time to show up to this after school activity. I havent showered in a week and a half. my feet are dirty from dancing barefoot. Im exhausted and out of underwear anyway, except for the fancy stuff. you know what I mean. I need to go to target. I need a bath. I need sleep. I need to get out college. I need a vacation. I need something to go right.

My laptop is dying.

Currently reading:

Do you think I still read?

Whats the frequency Kenneth???

I'm Happy. Thats why I haven't blogged. I've been waiting for this day for over a year and now. I find myself afraid to be happy, I think. Why am I so apprihensive? Maybe I have been in such a dark place for so long, so exhausted and emptied, worn out, used up that I don't remember how to be genuine anymore. Could that be possible? What a shame.

01/22/10



.... a lost post

Where Ever there is You.

Can I join this band. Tell me why Fall makes me feel.   exactly.   like this. 
Ma Pa Apple pie
Pumpkin things and brown twine
Loved and loney Connected Lost Missing
Euphoric and Sad
and.
Content.

Why so SERioUs?

I was too serious. took everything serious b/c if u pay attention, people will tell you exactly what they are going to do in the future before they do it, via patterns in speech + behavior. You can predict it with a gratifying sense of acuracy before they even know what they are going to do or say. I've spent too much time memorizing those patterns, catagorizing their actions, recording the outcomes. I have committed to memory the stats on every person I have ever come across. Every person who I have ever shared a meal. They are not even people anymore. No longer free because I manipulate there very thoughts with my own. I create our enviornment.

Weather or not you choose to belive the likelihood of this person living up to your stats is another thing entirely. You spent all your time predicting the oputcome only to to be scared to death of the what may happen. You end up paralyzed, a victim before your a victim. Standing... gawking...awaiting...  anticipating in horror what you think, is about to happen. And when it does, you're riddled with dissapointment, not in the person in Man. I mean Mankind. You see its so much deeper when you turn people in to things. Then they all become the same. They all become weapons. Instruments of torture and now, instead of studing them, you run from them.

The unknown is very uncomfortable for me. Failure lurks in the dark cob-webbed corners of the unknown. Assesing the present and predicting the future so I would be prep'ed for whats to come and feel like I knew what was going to happen stole something from me. Being ready for tomorrow, steals your today. jaja thats beyond serious huh?

Gone But Not Lost

I saw this man at the pharmacy today. He was sleeping there in the corner for 20 minutes. I thought he was waiting on a prescription but he suddenly got up  and did his groceries, a huge cart and only a bag of tortillas and box of Pepsi inside. I wondered to myself If he was a sad lonley man or just sleepy and descided to catch some Zzz's in a quite corner before shopping? I cant take on his pain too, I have my own. I choose to believe he's living the good life, retired and a little drowsy, maybe from a late night of shuffleboard complete with loose women.

I dont have that confidant to talk to.That person who has a deep understanding of the breath that lives between the pronunciation of my words. The person who almost sees me in slow motion recognizing the thoughts that fly across my face, that remain unspoken, and hear them screamming and sighing alltogether at once.  I feel like a sigh, feeling neither good nor bad. Just hanging on somewhere in between waiting to see what emotion I should feel next. Do I yern? Am I sorrowful or am I weary? Maybe I am all of them. Maybe Im none of them. I feel like an ache, dull and abstract. I am lonesome, but Im also tetering on the verge of Happiness. I keep winding up in this strange place where solitary reflectiveness meets lonliness. The same internal dialouge has been playing in my head for years.  Like a child, I keep insisting, "I am not lonely!" But indeed I am. "But Im alot other things too!", I remind myself. And those things are the things I labor to keep in mind. Mostly I feel forgotten. Forgotten by long time friends, siblings, and everyone else in between. And Im angry. Im angry theyve left me and I miss them. I spend moments thinking to myself about them and what they are doing. I wonder if they ever think about me and I feel angry that they dont seem to miss me at all. Every kind of relationship I have had has completly degraded into something almost unregonizable, if not completly dissapeared, dispite all my efforts. I hold on to everyone, and Ive come to realize no one is holding on to me. Its both good and bad. Im not trying to maintain friendships with friends, family or a lover in vain, but I am also left companionless.

      Peace and Pain are entwined in my emotions and I have givin up tring to unravel them. They are my friends now, and they stay so close. They visit with me everyday and they always know how I am feeling. They comfort and coddle me. With them I am more myself, then with those who I can share a loving embrace. What is it about being around the people we love so much that pulls us further and further away from who we really are?

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."— Elie Wiesel

I came, I saw, I lost

         I am student and it took me so long to get here. A long time ago, when I was a monster, I worked for a large corporation, an analyst and I was broken. Maybe I didn’t realize it at the time but when I took the job I was trying to find myself and somehow I ended up loosing everything.


           I lost myself, who I was almost completely disappeared, and I was a stranger in my own life. Sitting here looking back at that time I remember that person and I realize how taking on something larger than life means giving up a piece of your self or at the very least suppressing it for a time. Not just your hopes and dreams but who you are as a person, who you spent your whole life cultivating, editing and revising. I realize how dangerous that is because you can end up lost forever in this new person that you have become. I am surprised at how during those years I felt aware of what was going on around me and yet I wasn’t. I didn’t really know to what depth I had abandoned myself and become involved in something too monstrous to describe until I came out of it and joined the world once again as a civilian. As I saw this change happening to others, I felt angry about how they gave in and became monsters. I remember feeling a small tremor in my soul when they rejoiced everytime our orginization prevailed and our "enemy" did not. Sometimes you can want something so bad you create it. During those years fantasizing about my life as a civilian and what it could be, was almost intoxicating.
     
             Regret and anger plague me.  These years of my life tortured me and continue to follow me everywhere I go. These are my memories and they exist. They hide in the shadows of my footsteps and in the crease of my elbow. They lurk in the spaces between my fingers and when you shake my hand you are shaking hands with death, dreams, despair and determination. I know that they are forever a part of me and they are not going anywhere but I can use them to remind myself of who I was then, who I am now and who I want to become. It will remind me of the time I came so close to losing myself, the only thing we really have that’s ours. Those times and the times that followed, helped mold the person belonging to the fingers typing this essay.
             I long to understand myself and people better, to gain knowledge about the parts of people that seem so small and meaningless to others and seem gargantuan to me. I long to know more about those threads of our personality that make up who we are and guide our decision making. I have a need to understand how good and evil exists in the same person and how we come to except it, even love it, because it exists in all of us.

             I may not know exactly who I want to be, but I have an idea and I certainly have more than a few examples of who I don’t want to be. I lived a whole life in six years and there’s so much more to be had and I have to make it good not only for my self but for others. I have to bring sympathy, compassion, honor and dignity to the world and personally deliver it to anyone that is dying inside from a lack of those things. I would very much like to give people second chances to live their lives. I would take great relief in helping to mend peoples minds, hearts and bodies. Until I can become that person, I take rest in the knowledge that I am a student. It took me a long time to get here and I’ll spend every second striving to become something better than yesterday.

 "The way to Love anything is to realize it might be lost." - G.K. Chesterton

people are my hurdels

i actually found an old diary. Hmph. How strange. It only had ten or so pages written during that time when i left. Left everyone behind. Left evrything behind.  Left "J" as i used to call him behind and Amanda and everyone in my cell phone's phonebook behind. I Ran to a beach on the other end of the country and i lived alone for ten days. I had no poessions. I had no aquaintences.  I was alone and board. Ah. I like board. I can just live when I'm board. Live. Live Life. Such a simple concept. I was inspired and bold. Letting go of everything was exhilerating. Letting go of everyone was intoxicating. I watched people fish on the beach. I watched children play. I spoke to a few people. I ate. I rested. I breathed. I was so free. I was anyone. I was no one. And I was me.

That was some time ago. Years in fact. So many many years ago.
Now I am here. I know everyone. Everything is familiar. Nothing is comforting. Everyone knows me and everyone does not. Here I watch the seasons change while driving from place to place, always late and always racing the clock. Here I watch the people go by only when paused for a moment at a school crossing. Here I never see people fish and I never find myself on the beach. I speak to few. I am known but I remain unknown.I am loved but I remain unloved. I definately eat. I never rest. Im suffocating. I am not free. Here I have everything and I have nothing. I am truely alone. How did this happen?  How can you be where you belong and not fit?

"One should count each day a seperate life." - seneca