Gone But Not Lost

I saw this man at the pharmacy today. He was sleeping there in the corner for 20 minutes. I thought he was waiting on a prescription but he suddenly got up  and did his groceries, a huge cart and only a bag of tortillas and box of Pepsi inside. I wondered to myself If he was a sad lonley man or just sleepy and descided to catch some Zzz's in a quite corner before shopping? I cant take on his pain too, I have my own. I choose to believe he's living the good life, retired and a little drowsy, maybe from a late night of shuffleboard complete with loose women.

I dont have that confidant to talk to.That person who has a deep understanding of the breath that lives between the pronunciation of my words. The person who almost sees me in slow motion recognizing the thoughts that fly across my face, that remain unspoken, and hear them screamming and sighing alltogether at once.  I feel like a sigh, feeling neither good nor bad. Just hanging on somewhere in between waiting to see what emotion I should feel next. Do I yern? Am I sorrowful or am I weary? Maybe I am all of them. Maybe Im none of them. I feel like an ache, dull and abstract. I am lonesome, but Im also tetering on the verge of Happiness. I keep winding up in this strange place where solitary reflectiveness meets lonliness. The same internal dialouge has been playing in my head for years.  Like a child, I keep insisting, "I am not lonely!" But indeed I am. "But Im alot other things too!", I remind myself. And those things are the things I labor to keep in mind. Mostly I feel forgotten. Forgotten by long time friends, siblings, and everyone else in between. And Im angry. Im angry theyve left me and I miss them. I spend moments thinking to myself about them and what they are doing. I wonder if they ever think about me and I feel angry that they dont seem to miss me at all. Every kind of relationship I have had has completly degraded into something almost unregonizable, if not completly dissapeared, dispite all my efforts. I hold on to everyone, and Ive come to realize no one is holding on to me. Its both good and bad. Im not trying to maintain friendships with friends, family or a lover in vain, but I am also left companionless.

      Peace and Pain are entwined in my emotions and I have givin up tring to unravel them. They are my friends now, and they stay so close. They visit with me everyday and they always know how I am feeling. They comfort and coddle me. With them I am more myself, then with those who I can share a loving embrace. What is it about being around the people we love so much that pulls us further and further away from who we really are?

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."— Elie Wiesel